Post Hebrew Date turns into almost DUI
Yesterday I turned in my final project for the Hebrew intensive course I took this month. Since then I've been trying to catch up on life, spending time with Leslie and the kids. So tonight Leslie and I went out on a date...I mean babysitter and everything...first one in months. It was a nice dinner at Abuelo's (our favorite) and then a few hours of mindless reading and browsing at Joseph Beth Bookstore. A nice sober evening. But the officer behind me on the way home did not think so. About half way home from Lexington the red and blue lights came out of nowhere. So I veered over and waited...Leslie and I both wondering what I did. Here's how the rest plays out:
Officer: Good Evening Sir, License and proof of insurance please?
I dig it out and give it to him.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
J: To be perfectly honest, I have no idea why you pulled me over.
Officer: Well you veered over the middle line 3 times over the last mile.
J: Really? I didn't even realize it.
Officer: Sir where are you coming from?
J: Lexington.
Officer: I mean where have you been this evening?
J: I'm just coming from Barnes & Noble...Oh, I mean Joseph Beth (Leslie helped with correction.)
Officer: Sir have you had any alcohol to drink tonight?
OK, here's where things go south. Those of you who know me well know that I have a little problem. When people ask me a question of accusation or bring up a serious topic I sometimes take on an uncontrollable grin, making me look like I'm guilty when I'm totally not. And that is what happened here. I began to laugh and grin...just because I thought it was hilarious what was happening. But the problem was that this officer didn't know me and he didn't seem to think this was funny.
J: Sir, I can assure you I have not had any alcohol to drink tonight (trying to hold back grin at this point but not working very well).
Officer: long pause..."Wait here in your car while I go and check your record"
We wait in expectation...half nervous, half laughing at the situation until he returns.
Officer: So have you had any alcohol to drink tonight?
J: Officer, I had 2 glasses of water and then a cup of coffee. That's it.
Officer: Are you on any medications?
J: No but I took some tylenol this morning.
Officer: So are you sure you have not had any alcohol?
Ok, enough...it was time to bring out the big guns...didn't want to do it but I felt it I had no choice but to play the seminary card.
J: Sir, I'm live in Wilmore and attend the Seminary there...I have not had anything to drink in over 3 years.
Didn't work.
Officer: So you would not mind stepping out of the vehicle and taking a test with me would you.
J: No Sir.
Officer: Step out of the vehicle and come with me.
I then get out and walk back to the front of his car. Mind you we are on the side of Nicholasville Road in front of Lowes with traffic wizzing by. He then begins what I call the "tricky finger test". I have to stand there with my feet together and head perfectly still while he moves his finger from right to left in front of me...with his flashlight shining in my eyes. I HAVE NEVER STARRED AT A FINGER SO HARD IN ALL OF MY LIFE! Plus it was about 19 degrees out with light freezing rain. This went on for about 5 minutes. Then he switched things up on me and started moving his finger up and down. My head was like a statue but my eyes were glued on that finger. I started to think he was setting me up or something. Finally he said "OK, I'm going to turn you loose. You could not have done that if you had been drinking". I then explained to him that the truck I was driving was new to me and not as tight as the Honda Accord I was used to...so maybe that is why I was a little swirvy. He didn't seem real interested and just told me to be careful. A close one...no ticket or anything. Will never forget this date.
So yes, I survived Hebrew and intense interrogation in the freezing rain. I am blessed!
Officer: Good Evening Sir, License and proof of insurance please?
I dig it out and give it to him.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
J: To be perfectly honest, I have no idea why you pulled me over.
Officer: Well you veered over the middle line 3 times over the last mile.
J: Really? I didn't even realize it.
Officer: Sir where are you coming from?
J: Lexington.
Officer: I mean where have you been this evening?
J: I'm just coming from Barnes & Noble...Oh, I mean Joseph Beth (Leslie helped with correction.)
Officer: Sir have you had any alcohol to drink tonight?
OK, here's where things go south. Those of you who know me well know that I have a little problem. When people ask me a question of accusation or bring up a serious topic I sometimes take on an uncontrollable grin, making me look like I'm guilty when I'm totally not. And that is what happened here. I began to laugh and grin...just because I thought it was hilarious what was happening. But the problem was that this officer didn't know me and he didn't seem to think this was funny.
J: Sir, I can assure you I have not had any alcohol to drink tonight (trying to hold back grin at this point but not working very well).
Officer: long pause..."Wait here in your car while I go and check your record"
We wait in expectation...half nervous, half laughing at the situation until he returns.
Officer: So have you had any alcohol to drink tonight?
J: Officer, I had 2 glasses of water and then a cup of coffee. That's it.
Officer: Are you on any medications?
J: No but I took some tylenol this morning.
Officer: So are you sure you have not had any alcohol?
Ok, enough...it was time to bring out the big guns...didn't want to do it but I felt it I had no choice but to play the seminary card.
J: Sir, I'm live in Wilmore and attend the Seminary there...I have not had anything to drink in over 3 years.
Didn't work.
Officer: So you would not mind stepping out of the vehicle and taking a test with me would you.
J: No Sir.
Officer: Step out of the vehicle and come with me.
I then get out and walk back to the front of his car. Mind you we are on the side of Nicholasville Road in front of Lowes with traffic wizzing by. He then begins what I call the "tricky finger test". I have to stand there with my feet together and head perfectly still while he moves his finger from right to left in front of me...with his flashlight shining in my eyes. I HAVE NEVER STARRED AT A FINGER SO HARD IN ALL OF MY LIFE! Plus it was about 19 degrees out with light freezing rain. This went on for about 5 minutes. Then he switched things up on me and started moving his finger up and down. My head was like a statue but my eyes were glued on that finger. I started to think he was setting me up or something. Finally he said "OK, I'm going to turn you loose. You could not have done that if you had been drinking". I then explained to him that the truck I was driving was new to me and not as tight as the Honda Accord I was used to...so maybe that is why I was a little swirvy. He didn't seem real interested and just told me to be careful. A close one...no ticket or anything. Will never forget this date.
So yes, I survived Hebrew and intense interrogation in the freezing rain. I am blessed!
5 Comments:
Leslie told us about this last night, and we couldn't stop laughing!!! Maybe you should take it easy on that coffee next time, eh?
nice story telling josh-- brought me right in there. amazing. and loved the last post as well-- you're a good writer.
That little grin can do you in sometimes. I'm glad things turned out the way they did. Date night is not supposed to include police officers.
Loved the story, Josh...a fitting end to the completion of Hebrew! :)
I once was pulled over for the same sort of thing in an equally ironic situation. I had two of my youth in the car...and an ice chest full of sodas. The officer could not be convinced and my students have never let me forget it!
Hebrew could send you out for a few drinks. That is the funniest thing I have read all week! Way to pass the drunk test...
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