The Stop of 2006...The Untold Story
I had a flashback tonight of something that happened to me a few weeks ago...I've had enough time to heal emotionally from the event, so now I can share it with some humor.
It all started on our way home from Auburn, AL a few weeks ago. Of course we were traveling with our 3 month old twins, Liza and Grace, and Benjamin (2.5 years). This crew can easily turn a 9 hour trip into an 11-12 hour trip. It was tough. I stopped counting at 7 stops on the way home. But the the stop that went down in infamy was in Brentwood, TN, just south of Nashville.
We pulled off at one of our usual exits and decided to eat at Quizno's (they usually have pretty good toys for Benjamin). It was located in one of these fancy new strip malls in one of the more affluent parts of town. So we carted the whole family in for lunch...and got the usual stares and comments. The girls were super fussy. I had already scarfed down my sandwich so I offered to take them on back to the van and start feeding one of them. I carried them out, changed their diapers and began to feed Liza in the front seat (car in park with AC on). Leslie and Benjamin came out and loaded up. It was blazing hot (over 100) so we decided to pull the van over to a shaded part of the parking lot...just happened to be in front of the "Posh Puppy", a little botique for people with little dogs and lots of money. Finished the bottle with Liza and had her burbing....when it ALL came up...all over me, all over her, running down my shorts, onto the seat, and onto the floorboard. She simultaneously had a major blowout of the diaper. So right in front of the Posh Puppy, I got out of the van, get Liza situated on the back floor of the van and yes, had to strip off my shirt. I then had to take a stack of baby wipes and wipe down my chest and left armpit. I could feel a crowd of posh dog owners congregating just through the window. (And yes, Leslie is about to throw up herself from laughing so hard at me!) Within minutes, the parking space next to me looked like a hazardous waste zone...littered with puky t-shirt and infant dress, stained diaper, and a mound of yellowish brown baby wipes. Just Breathe Josh...OK, so I get Liza all cleaned up, changed and settled, all while people are driving by with these crazy stares trying to figure out if they need to call 911 or something. Then I clean up the parking lot and carry all of debris to a trash can...which of course is right next to the front door of the Posh Puppy (still bare chested). By this time there is no shame. Then I start working on getting a clean t-shirt...which of course is in my bag at the bottom of the trunk. Open the back gate of the van...bouncy seats, toys, ect. all spill out. I wrestled out my bag and a clean t-shirt, stuff everything back in, and went back to my post in the drivers seat. I admit I was not in the best of moods...for the next few hours. Leslie thought it was all quite comical.
Initiation into the real Dad club??? Anbody have something that can top this???
It all started on our way home from Auburn, AL a few weeks ago. Of course we were traveling with our 3 month old twins, Liza and Grace, and Benjamin (2.5 years). This crew can easily turn a 9 hour trip into an 11-12 hour trip. It was tough. I stopped counting at 7 stops on the way home. But the the stop that went down in infamy was in Brentwood, TN, just south of Nashville.
We pulled off at one of our usual exits and decided to eat at Quizno's (they usually have pretty good toys for Benjamin). It was located in one of these fancy new strip malls in one of the more affluent parts of town. So we carted the whole family in for lunch...and got the usual stares and comments. The girls were super fussy. I had already scarfed down my sandwich so I offered to take them on back to the van and start feeding one of them. I carried them out, changed their diapers and began to feed Liza in the front seat (car in park with AC on). Leslie and Benjamin came out and loaded up. It was blazing hot (over 100) so we decided to pull the van over to a shaded part of the parking lot...just happened to be in front of the "Posh Puppy", a little botique for people with little dogs and lots of money. Finished the bottle with Liza and had her burbing....when it ALL came up...all over me, all over her, running down my shorts, onto the seat, and onto the floorboard. She simultaneously had a major blowout of the diaper. So right in front of the Posh Puppy, I got out of the van, get Liza situated on the back floor of the van and yes, had to strip off my shirt. I then had to take a stack of baby wipes and wipe down my chest and left armpit. I could feel a crowd of posh dog owners congregating just through the window. (And yes, Leslie is about to throw up herself from laughing so hard at me!) Within minutes, the parking space next to me looked like a hazardous waste zone...littered with puky t-shirt and infant dress, stained diaper, and a mound of yellowish brown baby wipes. Just Breathe Josh...OK, so I get Liza all cleaned up, changed and settled, all while people are driving by with these crazy stares trying to figure out if they need to call 911 or something. Then I clean up the parking lot and carry all of debris to a trash can...which of course is right next to the front door of the Posh Puppy (still bare chested). By this time there is no shame. Then I start working on getting a clean t-shirt...which of course is in my bag at the bottom of the trunk. Open the back gate of the van...bouncy seats, toys, ect. all spill out. I wrestled out my bag and a clean t-shirt, stuff everything back in, and went back to my post in the drivers seat. I admit I was not in the best of moods...for the next few hours. Leslie thought it was all quite comical.
Initiation into the real Dad club??? Anbody have something that can top this???
3 Comments:
No, no one has anything to top this Josh. Not a single soul... you win... you are SuperDad. I'm not kidding either...you are the quintessential Father figure. I am amazed and a little frightened. You see, both my parents were twins. I am suddenly fearful that if I do get married, it will be me experiencing diaper explosions outside the Pampered Pet Store
I don’t even think my story tops yours, Josh, but here it is anyway. Last January, Bobbie was going to go visit her family in Jefferson, GA (about two and a half hours away from Ringgold, GA) I was not going to go because I really needed to stay home and work on an essay, but decided that I needed to go see my in-laws anyway. So Bobbie agreed to drive while I worked on the laptop. We left after supper so that Meri (2 years old) could sleep on the way. We were about an hour into the trip near Cartersville, and Bobbie frantically says, “Can I get over – we’ve got to get over now!” I responded, “Yes. What’s wrong?” “Meri’s throwing up.” Then I turned to see Meri ever-so-silently emptying the contents of her stomach into the seat. Our Pekingese (small dog that, much to his chagrin, is NOT a posh puppy) is sitting next to her.
By the time we got stopped on the shoulder of the road, I jumped out, opened the back door, and grabbed the dog before he darted into traffic, Meri had emptied the entire contents of her stomach. I got Meri out, and then Bobbie took her to the back of the truck to strip her down and clean her up (10:00 at night in January on a pitch dark I-75), all while getting left-overs spread all over the tailgate. Meanwhile I was unbuckling the car seat and carefully pulling it out of the truck to pour out the contents. I just happened to have a roll of shop towels (another story for another day) in the truck, so I cleaned the car seat, truck seat, and carpet with paper towels in the dark. We put Meri back in the truck alone while we finished working on the car seat, and I locked the door, so she wouldn’t open the driver’s door and fall out into the traffic. Then Bobbie reach up and shut the passenger door. With the keys in the ignition! We then spent a minute trying to coax Meri into pushing the right button to unlock the door, when (whew!) I realized I had a spare key in my wallet.
Had no choice but to put Meri back in the stinky wet seat to move on.
By the time we got to Atlanta, I was feeling sick from the smell, even with the windows down, so we stopped to buy air freshner. I spent ALL the next day washing the truck and cleaning the upholstery with vinegar to get rid of the smell and stains. Lessons learned for dad: get leather seats next time; always have plastic bags and towels on hand with a toddler; vinegar is Dad’s best friend, and my daughter is allergic to pecans!
Michael...you are too kind. Good to hear from you brother. Yes, you might be a good candidate for having twins one day. What can I say...double the joy...and poops!
Dave...man I can see all that unfolding as I read. My heart sank at the part when Meri was locked in the car with it running. My story has a strong embarrassment factor to it but yours is down right scarry to me. It is amazing how we get ourselves into these perdicaments as parents. Thanks for sharing this one with me/us. Vinegar...I'll remember that one.
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